Insults and boorish behavior in chat

Question

I've been participating in the SO chats for some time now, primarily to improve my coding in a more active community. Some of the users in chat act very boorish towards me when my code isn't exactly up to standards.

I'm talking about outright insults. There are a few specific people that make statements towards me that I find offensive. For example, here, here, and here. The first part of this second message was removed, but it originally read "congratulations, you've won the stupidest statement of the day award."

I know this is the internet, so don't tell me I'll never find a community where people are always nice. This is Stack Exchange, a community-oriented Q&A network. I'd expect a lot better from those who participate in this community, especially the high-rep users that have no manners.

This is a learning community, and I'd like to actually see that. I come here to be a better programmer and the insults don't help.

Answer 1

NB: I am not active in the JavaScript or PHP rooms

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That's a bit rude, but their tone sounds to me like they're explaining to you stuff that they explain 10 times a day, and that you're just not getting it. Understandably, they may be a bit frustrated with you.

More importantly, I saw several comments like

@Purmou , it's the rage... don't take it personally :D

What that says to me is that they throw around insults a good deal and never really mean anything by them.

I don't mean to sound rude myself, but another case is that you might actually be asking stupid questions (granted, I could never find an actual question around the links you posted). You said in a few places that you weren't going to give any code. How do you expect help if they don't know what they're helping you with? That's another situation they deal with often with new users who ask questions on the main site and forget(?) their code.

I find it effective to mention my general problem, post (a little!) code, then go into specifics and actually ask for help. I find that if people see code in front of them, it's a natural reflex to fix anything wrong they see.

My personal advice is to take it all with a smile (or at least a ":P"), try to learn as much as you can from these encounters, and stick with it. If you seem to be improving and not asking them the same questions every day, they should eventually initiate you into the room (which usually means they're a bit nicer to you, although over at The Bridge, we insult each other regularly :P).

If you feel you really need to take more drastic measures every chat user page* contains an "Ignore This User" button. Personally I feel that's a bit too drastic, but if you don't see what you perceive as insults, you won't get mad and insult back, so ignoring can help prevent additional gas from reaching the fire.

And last but not least, flagging. Don't hesitate to flag, but don't expect every flag you cast to be approved. In this way, you can learn the norms of the room in what is accepted by others and what is not (Note that, even with a diamond, a user cannot see who flagged them and they can't act on flags on their own posts).

*Example: Your own chat user page

Answer 2

I used to be active in chat. A lot. (I'm still the #5 most active user ever even though I haven't chatted in 180+ days) So I think I'm fairly familiar with what goes on in chat.

In general, people like to have fun and blow off steam. Try hard not to be offended, people don't typically mean to cause offense and are generally just being playful. For example, this message:

congrats , @Purmou , you managed completely ignore the point .. maybe you should change the hobby .. try politics

Can be read in multiple ways. Of course, he's trying to tell you that you're not understanding him and he's frustrated, but—the way I read it—he's also taking a jab at politicians, not at you. He's saying that you should try politics because politicians don't ever understand the point.

Looking at raynos' message you linked to:

@Purmou nope, its just verbal abuse flung around at leisure

and then one guy taking it personally and making a fuzz about it

He's trying to tell you that they're just playing around, and please don't take what they said so personally. In fact, it looks like you were getting a bit upset and borderline insulting yourself:

@Anfurny I'm here to learn. I don't learn from assholes. Who does?

this is a goddamn learning community...yes you can't force cleanliness on the internet but the people in the community should act like they are in a learning community, for god's sake i've taken crap on the internet

If you're genuinely offended by something that someone says to you, flag the message. Tell them politely that you found that offensive and ask them nicely to please behave themselves. Don't call people "assholes" and talk about the "goddamn learning community", that will just upset people, escalate the situation, and make you feel worse.

But really the best advice I have for you is to let stuff roll off your back. Don't let yourself be bothered by people in chat. This is probably easier said than done for someone your age since this ability sometimes comes with age... But just remember we're all here to have fun and blow off some steam. And when you feel people are out of line, flag away...