First of all, you need to explain why the reasons given in this answer for each SE being different are not valid before we can even consider merging them together.
Second, and to address your specific complaints...
- You are not required to follow 'the community' of each SE site you post to, nor is anyone making you do so in order to seek answers or answer questions on either of those sites.
- If you aren't sure what the actual problem is with your code yet, you are not ready to post a request for help on any of the SEs. An understanding of your problem is required in order to ask a good question in the first place. Without knowing if your problem is code-based or algorithm-based, neither SE, nor a combination of the two, would be equipped to help you, because the question is not clear.
As a final point though, I understand what you are looking for - you feel like these programming SEs all have common problems, and you want there to be a community that could unite all the programming-based SEs together, since they have so much in common, and because it could help you figure out what site you need help from.
If that is what you're proposing, then what I suggest is proposing a communal site for these similarly-typed SEs, rather than merging them together and taking away the uniqueness of each one. Since SE is growing so rapidly, and since many of the SEs have similar topics of interest, it seems like it would be a good idea to unite some SEs with common interest (and common consent) in some way - possibly with a unique over-Meta to cover that particular field.
Of course, and as one final point to make, if all you're really looking for is someone to tell you if you should ask a question at X SE site or Y SE site, go to one you think would accept your question, and ask if it's appropriate in the Meta. They'll quickly let you know if the question is appropriate, and direct you to the right site if it's not.