How should I deal with the new CoC as non-native English speaker?

Question

I'm not a native English speaker. And I'm on the autistic spectrum.

In the last few weeks, I did watch the events around the termination of Monica Cellio unfold. I said nothing.
I did read about the resignations of several moderators. And I said nothing.
I did read the apology to the community, and still said nothing.
I did read the new Official FAQ on gender pronouns and Code of Conduct changes.
And decided it is time to speak now.

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As a non-native English speaker it is hard for me to write well written English. But I can manage, using tools like spellcheckers and translators if I need a word.
Using the correct pronouns was hard. Most of the time it means for me that I had to guess the right pronoun; using unreliable information like name, profile picture or just my gut.

I did hope the new CoC would change that, and make it easier.

Well, it did the first part. No more guesswork. And I welcome this.
But at the same time, it makes it harder, at least for me.

Now the information what the right pronoun is is not in plain sight.
Easy to find on the profile. Or hidden in an old comment. Or in a message on Stack Overflow's chat. I'm not sure that I can and I am willing to go through an users entire history on Stack Exchange to find that one comment that just answers the benign question "What pronoun should I use?".

In the past I did mistakes. Used the wrong grammar, the wrong words.
Stack Overflow was a wonderful in how it taught me English.
If I made such a mistake, people edited my question or answer to improve my English.
And I would look at the changes they made, and try to figure out what the mistake was there.

There is no judging involved in editing an others person post.
For me it was a neutral way to point out my mistakes.
And I didn't feel bad about it. Because I am still learning English.

But the new CoC did change that.
Others are expected to point out my mistakes.
I am required to apologize for my mistake.
There is judging going on.

As a non-native speaker I don't care about your language.
For me, English is a tool. A valuable one I might add, but just a tool.
Tools may change over time, and that is fine.
I won't fight such change, because English is not my language.
As long as I am able to use this tool for what I love it, I don't care what you do to it.

I am fine with using any pronoun.
I don't care what word I use there.
Those neopronouns don't have a meaning for me.
I'm fine with one of them, any one.

But now, I fear that if I make a mistake,
if I didn't stalk a member of this community enough,
my silly brain forgot something that was not important for me,
that I will be banned. Not on the first mistake, but sometime.

So I have beg you:
Don't take my mistakes personally.
Don't judge me by my mistakes.
Please keep silently correcting my silly mistakes.

I believe that we can have a welcoming culture this way.
By not judging the others by their mistakes, but by correcting them without a word.
Showing them the right way, without judging and speaking.

But for me, well, I will have to deal with the new Code of Conduct now.
So my questions are:

• How do I find the right pronoun?
• How much work do you expect me to do to find the answer?
• What pronoun should I use when I don't find the answer?

And for the long term:

• Can't we please not point out the mistakes of others? Be it the use of a wrong pronoun or the use of doubt instead of question?
• Can we have an easy place where we can find the answer on which pronoun we should use? Maybe in their usercard. Or in some other place.

Answer 1

If you’re looking for a simple rule to follow that saves you from worrying or confusion: just don’t use pronouns at all.

Instead of pronouns, just use a person’s name, or non-gendered descriptors like “OP” or “asker”. The FAQ is clear that there is no general requirement to use pronouns:

Q12: Does this mean I’m required to use pronouns when I normally wouldn’t?

We are asking everyone to use all stated pronouns as you would naturally write. You are not required to insert pronouns where you otherwise would not.

There’s been a lot of confusion about this, particularly the “where you otherwise would not” part. I interpret this as, essentially, an awkward phrasing of “Don’t be a jerk”. No one is going to comb through your posts counting how many times you use pronouns – that section is there for cases where someone specifically avoids using pronouns to be a jerk or to troll someone.

For some evidence for this view, here’s Shog9 explicitly endorsing avoiding pronouns as a strategy for being gender neutral:

There are a few other, more creative options too. It's even possible to avoid pronouns entirely in a great many cases - which can be useful in situations where ambiguity would creep in otherwise.

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People have pointed out Q11 of the FAQ which says:

Explicitly avoiding using someone’s pronouns because you are uncomfortable is a way of refusing to recognize their identity and is a violation of the Code of Conduct

That is definitely a strange wording, but I’d argue that the key word in Q11 is “explicitly”. No one is going to count how often you use pronouns, but if you make it explicit that you’re not using pronouns because you’re uncomfortable with a specific person, then that’s “not nice” and probably a CoC violation. If you just avoid pronouns in general, or don’t need to use them in that sentence, then there’s no way that would be a problem

Here’s a real world example of the situation they’re trying to prevent with this rule:

I can only answer with an example from within my own family.

My sibling's partner has suffered long and deep hurt from the refusal of his birth family to refer to him as 'he/him' after his transition. They go out of their way to refer to him as 'Chris' (or rather his own gender-neutral birth name), or 'my child Chris' or 'my sibling Chris' or 'they'. By doing so they are denying his gender-identity, and doing so deliberately (and passive-aggressively) -- malicious compliance, it has been called elsewhere.

ColeValleyGirl’s post was really helpful for me to understand why they mentioned this and what kinds of behaviors they’re hoping to discourage.

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This comment by Cesar M is also relevant and confirms my understanding of the goals and intention of the policy:

The intent of the requirement is to avoid users feeling singled-out, disrespected or invalidated. If someone's natural writing style always pertains equitably to everyone through typical discourse or isn't frequently interpreted as a clever means to avoid someone's stated pronouns, then, in theory, one might conclude that would work. In practice, it may simply not, and if we received multiple complaints of deliberately avoiding someone's pronouns, regardless of the intent, we'd need to take corrective action. – Cesar M♦

Once again, this specifies “multiple” and “deliberate”. Mistakes and normal avoidance of pronouns shouldn’t be a problem. It should only be an issue if there is a pattern of you going out of your way to make someone feel othered (see the above example from ColeValleyGirl).

If you make a mistake, apologize and correct your mistake if possible (e.g. by editing your post). Honest mistakes are fine, you don't have to maintain a perfect record. Apologize and move on. Try your best to remember. – Cesar M♦ yesterday

To be fair, there are definitely ambiguities in how this will work in practice, which SE should have thought about and fixed before releasing this policy. But I have faith, if not in SE, in the volunteer moderators who will actually be doing the moderating, that they will follow the stated intent of the policy rather than going out of their way to attack their fellow users.

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Here are 2 other resources that I’d recommend people read:

Kate Gregory has written a really clear and helpful guide to gender-neutral writing that might be particularly helpful for non-native speakers

A Pronominal Proposal is an attempt to collect and debate positive changes to the policy to change the tone problems, clean up ambiguity, and fix potential loop holes. I think everyone with an interest in this policy should read and vote on it.

Answer 2

How should I deal with the new CoC? How do I find the right pronoun?

Ignore it. Do what you've done so far, in good faith and in a spirit of respect - and hope that negative authoritarian people don't excoriate or condemn you if you make a mistake.

Answer 3

1. How do I find the right pronoun?

Some user names are unambiguous, e.g., Jane, John. But if you feel any anxiety about jumping to the wrong conclusion.

You can check the profile; or you can use "they."

If you notice a nearby comment that says, "OP clarified that she is talking about the worst case scenario," then the likelihood shoots way up that you can use "she" too.

How much work do you expect me to do to find the answer?

Not a lot, according to staff clarifications. For example, you don't need to comb through the comments below the person's other posts.

Comment by @JNat:

We ask that you use gender-neutral language when uncertain, and use the stated pronouns once they're made known. If you wanna "go the extra mile," looking at the user's "about me" before interacting is certainly nice, but we're not requiring it.

Comment by @CesarM:

Made known is when you become aware of the fact. If it's in the comments, then, fine. Correct and move on. There's no obligation to go out of your way to seek it out, but if someone tells you directly, comply.

2. What pronoun should I use when I don't find the answer?

They, them, their, themselves.

(There are also proponents of "themself" but you won't catch me recommending that.)

Note: you are certainly welcome to adjust your writing style so as to use third-person singular pronouns less often, if that is the most comfortable approach for you.

@Catija, staff, clarified recently:

If you use they/them by default, that's fine. If someone requests that you use other pronouns and you immediately continue to use they/them for that person, we may point it out to you. "Penalized" in most cases is generally going to be as minor as a comment being removed or adjusted to meet the request of the person being spoken about. Only in extreme cases of repeated requests to change will it lead to a mod message or suspension.

Here is an idea for you to consider. Given your concern that your neurological difference might affect things, you might want to consider having a brief, private chat with the moderators at the sites you frequent the most, to disclose your differences and share your concerns about misusing a pronoun. That way, they can treat any situations you might land in with special sensitivity. Also, they can occasionally model the desired behavior in discussions where you are a participant.

A supplemental idea: If you decide to simplify life and use "they" in all cases, it might be helpful to post that policy in your profile.

My son has a neurological difference (Tourette Syndrome), and has made the disclosure to the Dean of Students. This is providing a bit of a safety net, which reduces my son's anxiety level. This, in turn, reduces his symptoms.

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Edit:

Apparently with the new CoC, it's not okay to go by what appears to be an unambiguous username. I stand corrected and am editing my post accordingly.

Also I found out there is a tool that displays participants' pronouns, if known: Pronoun Assistant