Pre Edit 4:
Pointing out that thread's popularity is a direct result of programming community interest in said subject, and that someone likely stands to become rich and/or famous by solving the problem none of the answers, save my own, came even close to resolving.
Long salutation describing my programming experience and implying that I am a programming genius even though I was educated as a philosopher. Ill-fitting analogy explaining that philosophers make better programmers than classically trained programmers.
Meandering post describing a minor issue and suggesting a poor/incomplete solution while also inferring that those who disagree are blatant rep whores.
Major edit that changes the whole point of the question, nullifying any existing answers, and openly marveling at inability of others to understand this trivial but super-important request.
Response to detracters, repeating what I already said in the comments.
Reluctant acquiescence to community, asserting that community is still wrong but accepting that it cannot help me any further, and I'm leaving unsatisfied. Pointed comments directed towards specific users or answers publicly belittling them. Thanks to those who obviously understand the issue even though their solutions were grossly inadequate, calling into question their schooling and ancestry.
P.S. Suggestion that people study My favorite Programming Book before answering such advanced questions as these on SO.