Let's start with a simple claim, just to make it clear, since I saw so many flames during these days claimin that staff should stay out of "room culture" since the actually room dweller are capable to handle the management themselves.

*The chat is* **owned** *by the StackExchange staff*

All of us, top community contributors users, ancient users with thousands rep points or newbie users that created an account yesterday are just that. *Users*, **guests** on a platform that someone is kindly offering us. Rooms aren't ours, and we are entitled nothing on them because they are just something the staff is kindly giving us. Sorry if this seems harsh to say, I really don't like to need to make this point but I fear some users are forgetting that, that they are just users of a system so I think that this premise had to be made.


That said, let's return to the problem we have. The [**"Be Nice"**](http://meta.stackexchange.com/help/be-nice) policy. While it is already quoted by other answers, I think that one more repetition won't do any bad.

> 1. **Rudeness and belittling language are not okay.** Your tone should match the way you'd talk in person with someone you respect and whom you want to respect you. *If you don't have time to say something politely, just leave it for someone who does.*

> 2. **Be welcoming, be patient, and assume good intentions.** Don't expect new users to know all the rules — they don't. And be patient while they learn. If you're here for help, make it as easy as possible for others to help you. Everyone here is volunteering, and no one responds well to *demands* for help.

> 3. **Don't be a jerk.** These are just a few examples. If you see them, flag them:

> - **Name-calling.** Focus on the post, not the person. That includes terms that feel personal even when they're applied to posts (like "lazy", "ignorant", or "whiny").
> - **Bigotry of any kind.** Language likely to offend or alienate individuals or groups based on race, gender, sexual orientation, religion, etc. will not be tolerated. At all. (*Those are just a few examples;* when in doubt, just don't.)
> - **Inappropriate language or attention.** Avoid vulgar<sup>1</sup>  terms and anything sexually suggestive. Also, this is *not* a dating site.
> - **Harassment and bullying.** If you see a hostile interaction, flag it. If it keeps up, *disengage* — we'll handle it. If something needs *staff* attention, you can use the contact us link at the bottom of every page.


I see many people often arguing in the chat rooms, thinking that the problem is just "bad, uncouth words" said in a chat room and since we are all grown up we are expected to live with that. Well, to the ones thinking that I would like to remember Stack allows for users as low as **13 years old to create an account**. Is that the example you want to give them? I don't think so, would you? Do we really need to be constantly speaking like that to show that we are mature? Are we really demonstrating our maturity that way? And even than, would it really be fine to make others feel uneasy just because *they* should be the ones adapting? Please, why should we come to that?

Also, forgive me, but I don't think that "bad words" are the main problem we have.
Just a few days before this whole process of reworking the chat rules was made public, I was exchanging some mails with the SE community manager Jon, expressing my worries at the reactions one flag I raised triggered in a room.

> Surprise at flags on vulgar messages.

This is what Shog said. Sadly, in my case

> **Anger at a flag on racist / gender discrimination message** 

would have been more appropriate.

From my view point we have two problems.

 - **Inappropriate language, bad words and vulgarity**. As I said before, I often receive a "we are all grown up, our room culture allows that" answer here. I personally avoid flagging these, but I want to remember everyone that nowhere is written that the be nice policy isn't enforced on chat, and you would be violating point 3.3. I won't be the one calling you out for that most of the times if you use moderation, but know that you will put yourself at risk. Chat transcript are permanent, readable to everyone and you can't know when someone will "go on a field hunt" and flag your message. It is lame to flag you one year after? Yes, it probably is, but sadly, you was the one that created the opportunity. And that is just disregarding the "Do you really need to make others feel uneasy/Do you really think is just *their* problem" argument I made before.

 - **Bigotry, race, gender, sexual orientation, religion discrimination or jokes**. Now, this is something I don't even want to think to tolerate, something I don't want SE to tolerate. And something I pray people out there to not tolerate or turn their back to.

I would love to be able to think that all our problems are just about "Inappropriate words", but sadly while I browse the various boards, keeping an eye on them after the incidents, I see a lot of discrimination there.
My whole discussion with the SE community management was started by some **Homophobic/gender discriminating jokes** I flagged, and my perplexity about the reaction the room had. Surprise and a bit of anger against that "unneeded flag". I won't post the details here, I don't want another flag war to start, but believe me when I said that I was quite perplexed when I was writing to Jon.

Lucky, I also don't think that the majority of the community is fine with such behaviors, and the reactions posts about the recent issues in the various chat room (incidents like the freezing of the Sci-Fi main room or the Lounge one) seem to confirm so.

I am again asking the staff, as I did before, to start making thing clear to the people misbehaving. This post from Shog is a perfect start. We don't need to tolerate such behaviors, and there is no room "culture" thing that can justify that. That "culture" isn't magically allowing users to discriminate.

As someone may already know, I had helped with an online game community management in the past. One of the staff members there had one saying. 

> This is **our** community. If you don't like the rules, the door is there.

It is a bit extreme yes, and since then I have seem a little more of this thing they call friendship. Once, a wise one said:

> The magic of friendship doesn't just exist in Equestria. It's everywhere. You can seek it out, or you can forever be alone. The choice is yours.

I am asking you if we really need rules to be better. If the only way this community we share can find harmony is by having some Cerberus - or a floating head -  watching over us. I hope not.

I have tried a strange experiment on the chat some time ago, asking people how they would go to stop griefing in online games communities. In the end, we agreed that changing the mechanics of the game can only fix a griefing instance, avoiding it for a while but will never prevent griefing altogether, because the griefers will just find another hole in the system. We are no different.

**We are the ones that need to change, for we are the Community**.  
This is my plea, let's try to be just that. A community of friends working together.

Rules can help. But the decision to enforce them must begin inside **us**.