I have experienced problems at SE around the use of gendered pronouns.
Background:
I am a female SE participant who works very hard to remain gender neutral on SE. When I was getting started at a particular male-dominated SE site, I found it quite beneficial in building up reputation and respect to fly under the gender radar there. I was careful to avoid writing anything there that would give any hints as to my gender.
Several years ago, there was a user at that site with whom I had some ongoing tension. I’ll call him User A. (His gender was clear from his user name or his personal home page, easily found via google by using the information he posted in his SE profile.)
User A outed me as a female participant in a discussion comment. That page received thousands of views and I flagged his comment. I patiently attempted to work through the problem with the site moderators, but they said they could not edit his comment or remove it, and they said they could not force User A to dialogue with me, or with them, about the problem. I was shocked. I carefully explained how gender affects interactions on that site, and I explained that my opinions would have much less credibility on that site if my gender were known. I explained that I didn’t want to publicly correct User A regarding my gender, because that would either mean confirming the gender attribution he had made, or being untruthful, which I have an aversion to.
Eventually I found a discreet way of communicating with User A. He explained that I had posted something on a different SE site regarding breastfeeding, in which my actual gender was clear. Once he pointed that out, I went back and edited that post. In the new version, I just said "we," so it wouldn't be clear which parent (me, or my husband) was the one who was doing the breastfeeding. User A removed the problematic comment and we both removed all traces of the conversation.
I felt that the site moderators could have easily and quickly solved the problem, by simply removing the comment that referred to me as "she."
So, how can people be supportive?
Let's get in the habit of not assuming others' gender, unless it's been made obvious (through name, profile, image, posts or comments).
Moderators can be watching for this issue when responding to flags.
Let's all practice greater empathy. When we write something, let's ask ourselves, How would I feel if someone directed that to me?
SE can lead the way in practicing greater empathy, by reinstating Monica Cellio pending an open discussion of the proposed changes to the Code of Conduct. In my experience, Monica approaches moderation with empathy and humanity, and has been a model moderator.
Maybe it will become necessary to ask her to step down due to irreconcilable differences, later on, during an open discussion of the proposal -- but we're not there yet.
By removing her prematurely, SE is causing more harm than good to the principles of tolerance, inclusion and respect.
